10 WHY DID I GET MARRIED TOO
The first thing we thought when this one came out was ‘What? Really?’ com’ on Tyler, was it really necessary to take us through all the couples drama again. I swear the only thing that could be worse than this would be Couples retreat 2 (God forbid). Perry totally ruined our memories of Why did I get married by getting Malik Yoba killed and turning Janet Jackson into a brainless psycho who just loves to divorce loving husbands for no good reason. Also what’s the moral of her meltdown? If you cause your hot husband’s death, God’ll give you a hotter one (negro please!)
9 BATMAN AND ROBIN
What seemed like a no-brainer — heartthrob Clooney as Batman — turned into a movie for people with no brains with awful dialogue, campy direction, character development skimpier than Uma Thurman’s costume. But if Ahnuld ever runs for president, his Mr. Freeze line ‘Let’s kick some ice!’ would KILL in deep Alaska. And what’s with the Nipples on the Batsuit but not on Batgirl; are you kidding me? Also Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing a better job of governing the State of California than he did in the role of Mr. Freeze… well, almost. This is a great movie for every screenwriter in Hollywood to watch and take notes of the labored, lame, one-liners. We, the viewing public are begging you to stop! This abomination could have easily killed the franchise.
8 DUMB AND DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD
First of all who would be dumb enough to make a prequel of Dumb and dumber and call it Dumb and dumberer, really? As deliriously funny as the original was, its dreadful prequel was painful and off-putting. Did they really think there was comedy to be mined from two unknowns impersonating Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels? We’ve seen 30-second clips on YouTube with more laughs. This prequel was a total apparition, it should have never been made, period!
7 AMERICAN PIE SEQUELS
The original “American Pie” was a box office smash, is frequently listed in the Top 50 comedy films of all time and set the bar much higher (lower?) in gross-out, anatomical comedy. The two sequels, American Pie 2 and American Wedding, were also box office champs but admittedly worse than the original. Then came some other direct-to-DVD releases under the same name. Due to rising production costs, the studio hired cheaper talent and skipped theatrical releases. In other words, they chose to make inferior films on purpose. Mission accomplished. Throwing up is far much better than going through the torture of seeing those American Pie sequels.
6 SMOKIN’ ACES 2: ASSASSINS BALL
Tom Beringer as an FBI agent and Vinnie Jones as an assassin, in an action-packed sequel should be something awesome, right? Absolutely wrong. That’s unless you like the idea of Tom Beringer spending 99% of his screen time as a perplexed mumbler, and seeing a pussy-whipped Vinnie Jones. The assassins lacked certain creativity and were boring an annoying. It’s sad to see that some movies can’t just live up to half of what the original was. Assassin’s ball? Whatever!
5 JASON X
It actually sounds like a spoof: ‘Jason in Space!’ And it really should’ve been, because this (very unnecessary) 10th installment of the ‘Friday the 13th’ series — in which the cryogenically frozen Jason Voorhees is thawed aboard a spaceship in the 25th century to get a few more kills — is absurdly funny. It’s hilarious actually and a complete waste of time. I wonder whose bright idea it was to make Jason kill people in space. Did they think that would be fun for us to see? What a bunch of dummies. Frankly we aren’t that crazy about the ‘Friday the 13th’ series so you have to be careful making an idiotic sequel like this; I mean ‘Jason in Space?’ give us a break!
4 SON OF THE MASK
So ‘Dumb and Dumberer’ was not a strong enough lesson/warning to step away from the Jim Carrey spinoffs, New Line Cinema just had to commission hip-hop-loving comic Jamie Kennedy to be the new face of ‘The Mask’ franchise. The experiment went horribly, horribly wrong and thus ended the idea. This is one of the most IQ leaking movies ever made. The made was so dumb…I just can’t say more; on to the next one.
3 SCARY MOVIE II
The Wayans brothers laughed all the way to the bank after their clever onslaught of horror spoofs that was ‘Scary Movie’ grossed $157 million at the box office. They repaid audiences by cranking out a sequel less than a year later, one that was exceedingly lame, uninspired and set the way for years of distasteful spoof movies like Scary Movie 3&4, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie etc. Thanks a lot Shawn and Marlon, thanks a lot.
2 RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE
The film follows Alice searching and rescuing the remaining survivors in Los Angeles after the T-virus outbreak, and team up against Albert Wesker, the head of the Umbrella Corporation. Seriously thi is one sequel that should never have happened. If the producers were looking for an excuse to kick ass admist graphics they should have made a new movie. The scariest thing is the possibility of a sequel based on the appearance of Jill Valentine at the end of the movie. Give us a big fat break! We love the words of Brian Orndorf of Dark Horizons: “Perhaps the first 3D motion picture to simulate the experience of watching paint dry, ‘Resident Evil: Afterlife’ is a dreadful bore that only occasionally comes to life.” Enough said.
1 HOODWINKED TOO! HOOD VS. EVIL
In this film, Red (Hayden Panettiere) is in training with a mysterious group called the Sisters of the Hood and must team with Wolf (Patrick Warburton) to rescue Hansel and Gretel (Bill Hader and Amy Poehler) and Granny (Glenn Close) from the evil witch, Verushka (Joan Cusack).