My biggest problem with remakes is why the film makers just insist on remaking a great movies; I mean if ain’t broke don’t fix it. The question is, what is the reason behind them? Is it childish need to know how these classics will look with CGI? Is it an attempt to show the newer generation? Heck if I know.

Recently the chunky Cimmerian, Conan was welcomed back to the big screen and so was Fright Night and I have to tell you, they did badly. I honestly do not know what the producers were trying to prove considering that most of the remakes of blockbusters turn out having dismal outings. Check out The Invasion, The Planet of the Apes and Clash of the Titans, just to mention a few; they failed live up to the hype of the original.

The idea is just simply annoying and it kind of makes you wonder if the guys at Hollywood have run out of ideas. If they have, we have a simple solution: either go make an unnecessary sequel for a pointless movie (Marine style) or go look for some Japanese or Danish movie and make an English version (I’ve got a Grudge with that Dragon Tattoo; get it?). That will be less irritating than totally ruining a classic for the fans. Believe me I almost wept after seeing Worthington’s version of Clash of the Titans.

But you really want to know what’s more annoying than remakes? Pipe down, I’ll tell you: it’s remaking a movie that was made three years earlier. Yeah, you know where I’m going with this; what in the hell was the big idea of making a 2010 majority black cast of 2007’s Death at a Funeral? I can’t believe I’m saying this but the 2007 British version was actually a more interesting watch. The 2010 version; are you kidding me? Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence and Tracy Morgan in the same movie, give us a break.

What’s the moral of this long talk? Stop remaking movies! Go write an original script and make your own classic, because someone else made that one you’re “remaking.” With The Thing and The Three Musketeers coming soon, we’re keeping our fingers crossed.

Do I really need to tell you what it’s about? What else? It’s about a bunch of pretty hot undergraduate girls going so gaga for Black Berry phones that they would do anything (sleeping around, stealing, anything dude!) to own one, two or more Blackberry phones (oh bother!). That’s all it’s about, honest. What do you expect from a movie that is titled Black Berry Babes? A movie portraying the exploits of…well…Black Berry babes, that’s what.

Look, to be honest with you, the director, Obadigie should have given money to charity than waste it on producing a pile of junk like BBB, based on a particularly horrendous story (if any). The irritating attempts at sex scenes are well…irritating and what can I say about the grammar: “Let me just find you a few cash for a job well done.” (Say what!?).

The movie had no definite storyline, just shameless product placement; we sure hope that the director received cash for this 2 hour Black Berry promo for all its models-even the latest ones. It’s really unbelievable but that’s what Nollywood is about. To be frank I was surprised a movie about BB was released this late; Nigerian movie makers are usually sharper than that.

You know it’s funny how you would meet the director of this kind of trash for an interview and he’d waste your time (all the while insulting your intelligence) only to tell you it’s a blockbuster; pal, better look up that word before you use it. If I was in this movie and I was interviewed, it would go something like this:

REPORTER: what’s the moral of the movie?

ME: they made fine coffee here

REPORTER: how great do you think the movie will be?

ME: I was paid on time.

Dude I can’t say anything good about it, but I’m not stupid enough to get myself blacklisted (awesome dude).

I don’t really believe that we’re going to stop seeing movies like this in Nigeria; then why am I ranting about it? (1) Because I can, (2) Because someone has to and, (3) Because it feels good. To BBB, I raise a glass and say “What a load of rubbish.”

JONNY BRAVO

He’s blonde, he’s dumb and he’s so much fun; it’s Jonny Bravo. If this guy’s cranial content was as much as his hair, he’d be smarter than Einstein. Jonny is one our most watchable characters but the guy is just too dumb to be real; and the fact that he thinks he’s some kind of chick magnet makes him even more ridiculous; not to mention the apparent lack of fashion sense. It’s so obvious that Jonny needs a brain fast so can some real smart scientist go back to the 70’s and get Jonny his brain back.

BRAIN SIZE: peanut

HOMER SIMPSON

It’s one thing for your kids to be way ahead of you in vogue and current trends, that’s understandable; but to be way ahead of you in brains is just plain upsetting. Up next is Homer Simpson of The Simpsons animated family show. How is it possible to be named after a great Greek philosopher and still turn out to be an infantile idiot, majorly motivated by beer and donuts? Who knows, I’m not that smart.

BRAIN SIZE: Walnut

PETER GRIFFIN

We’re lucky he’s a family guy, a very stupid family guy. On one episode of the FOX show, Family Guy, he chose TIME shares instead of a speed boat for the family. The amount of stupid stuff this guy does is too much to be documented; we simply wouldn’t know how to stop.

BRAIN SIZE: Green pea

CHRIS GRIFFIN

Apparently the apple did not fall far from the tree. Chris is actually dumber than his dad, Peter, if that’s even possible. If it takes you about a week to figure out a-steak-on-a-rope joke (In the episode were Peter tries to help Chris lose weight), then you can’t be that smart.

BRAIN SIZE: Half a green pea

I.R BABOON

I was about to give I.R a break, after all, he’s an animal then I remembered: so is I Am Weasel. So, no, he doesn’t catch a break. Perhaps in a world where apes are trying to take over the world and zoo animals try to hook a brother up, I.R needs to go to night school and catch up with the trend. Perhaps no one likes a bad looking guy who’s also stupid, right Dexter?

BRAIN SIZE: Corn seed

GENERAL SPECIFIC

General Specific form Sheep in the Big City is never going to catch Sheep with that kind of inherent stupidity. The chief antagonist is so stupid that we watch the show just for the fun of it. However did he get promoted to the rank of General with Private Public still remaining a private?(Sheesh!). If a sheep is smarter than you, that is just bad for business.

BRAIN SIZE: Wheat grain

ED

First of all, I hate the cartoon Ed, Edd and Eddy; it’s kind of irritating. One thing though is that the show is fascinating because it’s the first time I ever saw a human looking Frankenstein. Ed is just deplorable. The guy is just so stupid, what more can I say; all brawn and absolutely no brain.

BRAIN SIZE: Oops, no brain detected

THE MAYOR OF TOWNSVILLE

The Mayor of Townsville from The Power Puff Girls is so stupid and looks even more so with the ridiculous dressing and the annoying moustache. The irony of it all is that he’s the mayor (Oh the things that happen in politics). Hopefully we can convince Mojo Jojo to embark on operation Share-a-brain.

BRAIN SIZE: A grain of rice

BILLY

Billy from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy couldn’t have been dropped on his head as a child; it has to be something worse like a genetic disease. This character is a complete first class dummy with the stripped t-shirt, upward face-cap and an annoying laugh. In an episode when a brain-sucking monster came to town, it tried to suck Billy’s and found none. I rest my case.

BRAIN SIZE: Oops no brain detected

1.  “I ain’t got time to bleed.” Jesse Ventura in The Predator

2.  “We talkin’ or we racin’?” Vin Diesel in Fast Five

3.  “I’m the Terminator.” Jason Statham in Crank

4.  “100 percent pure adrenaline!”Patrick Swayze in Point Break

5.  “All I ask is that you keep up with me. If you can’t, then that strange sensation you’ll be feeling in the seat of your pants will be my boot in your ass!” Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide

6.  “Pain don’t hurt.”Patrick Swayze in Road House

7.  “I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I’m very hungry!” Arnie in Commando

8.  “God would have mercy. He won’t.” Richard Crenna in Rambo III

9.  “See, you ain’t nothing but a chickenshit pussy asshole who lives on the misery and suffering of others. And when it comes for you, you’ll be crying like a baby.”Chuck Norris in Delta force 2

10.  “A man’s gotta know his limitations.” Clint Eastwood in Magnum Force

The first thing we thought when this one came out was ‘What? Really?’ com’ on Tyler, was it really necessary to take us through all the couples drama again. I swear the only thing that could be worse than this would be Couples retreat 2 (God forbid). Perry totally ruined our memories of Why did I get married by getting Malik Yoba killed and turning Janet Jackson into a brainless psycho who just loves to divorce loving husbands for no good reason. Also what’s the moral of her meltdown? If you cause your hot husband’s death, God’ll give you a hotter one (negro please!)

9 BATMAN AND ROBIN

What seemed like a no-brainer — heartthrob Clooney as Batman — turned into a movie for people with no brains with awful dialogue, campy direction, character development skimpier than Uma Thurman’s costume. But if Ahnuld ever runs for president, his Mr. Freeze line ‘Let’s kick some ice!’ would KILL in deep Alaska. And what’s with the Nipples on the Batsuit but not on Batgirl; are you kidding me? Also Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing a better job of governing the State of California than he did in the role of Mr. Freeze… well, almost. This is a great movie for every screenwriter in Hollywood to watch and take notes of the labored, lame, one-liners. We, the viewing public are begging you to stop! This abomination could have easily killed the franchise.

8 DUMB AND DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD

First of all who would be dumb enough to make a prequel of Dumb and dumber and call it Dumb and dumberer, really? As deliriously funny as the original was, its dreadful prequel was painful and off-putting. Did they really think there was comedy to be mined from two unknowns impersonating Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels? We’ve seen 30-second clips on YouTube with more laughs. This prequel was a total apparition, it should have never been made, period!

7 AMERICAN PIE SEQUELS

The original “American Pie” was a box office smash, is frequently listed in the Top 50 comedy films of all time and set the bar much higher (lower?) in gross-out, anatomical comedy. The two sequels, American Pie 2 and American Wedding, were also box office champs but admittedly worse than the original. Then came some other direct-to-DVD releases under the same name. Due to rising production costs, the studio hired cheaper talent and skipped theatrical releases. In other words, they chose to make inferior films on purpose. Mission accomplished. Throwing up is far much better than going through the torture of seeing those American Pie sequels.

6 SMOKIN’ ACES 2: ASSASSINS BALL

Tom Beringer as an FBI agent and Vinnie Jones as an assassin, in an action-packed sequel should be something awesome, right? Absolutely wrong. That’s unless you like the idea of Tom Beringer spending 99% of his screen time as a perplexed mumbler, and seeing a pussy-whipped Vinnie Jones. The assassins lacked certain creativity and were boring an annoying. It’s sad to see that some movies can’t just live up to half of what the original was. Assassin’s ball? Whatever!

5 JASON X

It actually sounds like a spoof: ‘Jason in Space!’ And it really should’ve been, because this (very unnecessary) 10th installment of the ‘Friday the 13th’ series — in which the cryogenically frozen Jason Voorhees is thawed aboard a spaceship in the 25th century to get a few more kills — is absurdly funny. It’s hilarious actually and a complete waste of time. I wonder whose bright idea it was to make Jason kill people in space. Did they think that would be fun for us to see? What a bunch of dummies. Frankly we aren’t that crazy about the ‘Friday the 13th’ series so you have to be careful making an idiotic sequel like this; I mean ‘Jason in Space?’ give us a break!

4 SON OF THE MASK

So ‘Dumb and Dumberer’ was not a strong enough lesson/warning to step away from the Jim Carrey spinoffs, New Line Cinema just had to commission hip-hop-loving comic Jamie Kennedy to be the new face of ‘The Mask’ franchise. The experiment went horribly, horribly wrong and thus ended the idea. This is one of the most IQ leaking movies ever made. The made was so dumb…I just can’t say more; on to the next one.

3 SCARY MOVIE II

The Wayans brothers laughed all the way to the bank after their clever onslaught of horror spoofs that was ‘Scary Movie’ grossed $157 million at the box office. They repaid audiences by cranking out a sequel less than a year later, one that was exceedingly lame, uninspired and set the way for years of distasteful spoof movies like Scary Movie 3&4, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie etc. Thanks a lot Shawn and Marlon, thanks a lot.

2 RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE

The film follows Alice searching and rescuing the remaining survivors in Los Angeles after the T-virus outbreak, and team up against Albert Wesker, the head of the Umbrella Corporation. Seriously thi is one sequel that should never have happened. If the producers were looking for an excuse to kick ass admist graphics they should have made a new movie. The scariest thing is the possibility of a sequel based on the appearance of Jill Valentine at the end of the movie. Give us a big fat break! We love the words of Brian Orndorf of Dark Horizons: “Perhaps the first 3D motion picture to simulate the experience of watching paint dry, ‘Resident Evil: Afterlife’ is a dreadful bore that only occasionally comes to life.” Enough said.

1 HOODWINKED TOO! HOOD VS. EVIL

In this film, Red (Hayden Panettiere) is in training with a mysterious group called the Sisters of the Hood and must team with Wolf (Patrick Warburton) to rescue Hansel and Gretel (Bill Hader and Amy Poehler) and Granny (Glenn Close) from the evil witch, Verushka (Joan Cusack).

Yeah! For those of you who have seen the Bourne trilogy (Identity, Supremacy and Ultimatum), you know the whole story, but for the sake of those who don’t, the story is simple. Jason Bourne is a CIA hit man who loses memory of who he is after an operation- gone- bad. So he naturally tries to find out who he is while trying to evade his former employees. Oh well, along the way, he finds he’s a badass CIA killing machine and he (wait for this) decides he don’t wanna kill no more. This guy suddenly decides he wants to be left alone- after all the tax- payers money spent in training him (Oh no he didn’t, CIA).

Also in the recently released Liam Neeson flick, Unknown, we see another ‘amnesiac.’ Liam belongs to an elite assassination squad on assignment inGermany. He has to go back to the airport to pick up forgotten luggage and has an accident. As a result of this, he has amnesia (I don’t know what else to call it); he forgets his real identity and starts to believe that his cover identity is who he really is (Oh! Oh!).

The funny thing I noticed about these guys is how they suddenly do not want to do what they signed up for. Jason Bourne refuses to go back to the CIA to answer for his failure to assassinate his target and also to hand himself over to the police. And Liam’s character got away with attempted murder.

Whichever way you look at it, these guys were bad guys who never at any point apologized for all the bad they had done, all the people they had murdered. These movies make it seem like ‘hey go ahead and become an assassin. When you’re done, just bump your head plead amnesia and become an all round good guy.

And of course there is also the angle of the women who decide to shack up with them even after they find out how dangerous these guys are. I guess good girls really like bad guys.

What’s the big idea? We ain’t trying to judge; you know us at CINEMANIACS; just thinking aloud.

Like I stated earlier, Spoof movies used to something honorable and enjoyable to watch but these days it is utter rubbish. To tell you the truth, after the first Scary Movie, I haven’t watched any parody movie that has excited me in the least. They turn out to be useless, boring piles of crap.

Scary Movie 2- 4 were very horrible and, I must say, It was a mighty shame. Don’t even get me started with Date Movie; when a film gets a rating of ‘no star’ out of five on Total Film’s review, what else is there to say. And the list goes on: Not Another High School Movie (more like not another movie, movie), Epic Movie, Disaster Movie (They should have merged it and called it “Epic Disaster of a Movie”) and of course, Superhero Movie.

I mean these movies are so dumb- and I know they’re supposed to be, sort of, but not brain- dead dumb right? When you find yourself snoring during a comedy, you got a problem! Of course, when they thought the ‘movie’ in the title was the problem, they decided to side track us. Then came Meet the Spartans, Dance Flick and Vampires Suck (and so do you). Don’t get it twisted, these ones were even worse.

I think the problem with these movies is (1) They don’t have a decent plot (2) They try to diss too many movies at once- e.g. Disaster Movie tried to lump in Transformers, Batman, Hellboy, The Incredible Hulk, High School Musical, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Night at the Museum, Speed Racer, Iron Man, No country for Old Men, 10,000 BC (phew!). (3) Well, too many movies to spoof leaves too much many gags, too many gags just make the whole thing too tiring to watch. (4) They make too many parodies of good movies e.g. why on earth does The Matrix have to be spoofed.

One example of a modern day spoof is Hot Fuzz. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost decided to go to the action movie zone and spoof 90’s police- themed action movies after Shawn of the Dead which spoofed Dawn of the Dead (one movie). The remarkable thing about these movies is that they were hilarious and had an independent plot; they weren’t just ‘going with the flow,’ they had a story which just used the parody as the theme. Imagine how it would have turned out if they decided to incorporate every zombie flick from The Night of the Living Dead to Resident Evil; it would have been a resident mess.

In essence, I still want to see spoof movies like Hot Fuzz, Hot Shots and Wrongfully Accused, but about those ‘movie’ movies, we say, absolutely not! When a spoof movie is nominated as worst movie of the year alongside the movie its spoofing (Vampires Suck V Twilight Saga: New Moon), then we got a problem.

Anytime you watch the MTV Movie Awards, you should always expect a pile of crap. How is it that the movies that are always over-hyped by MTV end up winning best movie award? Take the Twilight Saga for instance; the series ids boring and over-rated yet it has picked the award for that category 3 years in a row ahead of great flicks like The Dark Knight, Inception and The Social Network.

That is very irritating. It is obvious that the awards are solely based on votes because it is only youth who can barely read or write (But can type expertly) that would vote a very horrible movie, Twilight Saga: The Eclipse for the best movie. Come on MTV, I couldn’t even finish the damn thing; it was utterly useless. Did you know that this movie won a Raspberry Award for worst movie of 2010? Betcha didn’t.

Also, how in the hell does Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter series) win best villain over Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds, Green Hornet) and Ned Beaty (Toy Story)? Give me a freaking break.

My God, I never thought I’d exist in an age where people like Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart could win any best actor/actress award at any ceremony other than the Kids/Teens choice awards (And they seem smarter than you MTV).

It’s just so annoying because we love movies at CINEMANIACS and what MTV is doing is just plain insulting (What do you expect from the movie awards that gives you the ‘Best Kiss’ category).

Look, all I’m saying is let MTV go back to its first calling: giving us hot music videos and leave the movies to the experts. Wouldn’t that be so cool?